So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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