He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
