im drinking this country out of the recession.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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