I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize