Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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