I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
