I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
