My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
