I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
