i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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