My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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