The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
