My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I need mimosas to revive my soul
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize