I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
