I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
