God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
zippers are such a cool invention
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
