My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
