i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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