What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
