you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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