in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
