I cannot find my penis.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
we should paint friendship bongs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
