im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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