How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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