if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I look better un-naked...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
