Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I stole a fireplace last night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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