its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Come share oat with me in your robe
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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