A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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