on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
