You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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