Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
