I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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