She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
