I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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