I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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