My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize