What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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