He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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