she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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