So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
