SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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