Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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