i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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