Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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