That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
