I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
