I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
