I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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