Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
