I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
