why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
