I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
