I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
