I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
