Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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