I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
